Pride Month Q&A: Are you in a safe & healthy relationship?
Happy Pride Month to our rainbow communities!
There is a lot to celebrate in June – Pride is a time of joy, visibility and connection for many of us. However, it’s also important to remember the history of Pride, which originates in protest, resistance, and the ongoing fight for equality and safety for LGBTQ+ folks.
We all have a part to play to ensure everyone in our society is free, equal and safe. For us here at DVConnect, that’s about making sure all LGBTQ+ people are free from domestic and family violence. We know that LGBTQ+ folks can face unique challenges in their relationships, and can struggle to find accessible, informed support. We are here for you, we will listen without judgement and we can help you find safety.
This Pride month, we’ve put together a Q&A from some frequently asked questions and common misunderstandings around abuse in queer relationships. Whether you identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community or you’re an ally, we encourage you to read, reflect and share.
If you need support, please contact Womensline on 1800 811 811 or Mensline on 1800 600 636. Trans and non-binary folks are welcome here – please call whichever helpline you are most comfortable with.
Trigger warning – this post contains mentions of abuse, including sexual abuse.
Q: My partner will often put me down for things like wearing makeup or “women’s” clothing. I think it started as a joke, but it’s got to a point where I won’t wear certain things so I don’t rock the boat. Where do I draw the line?
A: It sounds like wearing certain makeup, clothing and accessories is a gender-affirming practice for you. You should be free to wear whatever feels right for you and to experiment with different styles without your partner making you feel ashamed. This behaviour may seem harmless, but it can easily develop into a pattern of control (or coercive control, which is now a criminal offence in Queensland). If you need support, please reach out to a support line.
Q: I’ve been with my partner for a few months, and we recently got into a disagreement. In the heat of the argument, they said they were going to tell one of my colleagues that I’m gay. I’m not out at work and don’t want to be – my partner knows this. I was really shocked. Should I be worried?
A: It is always your decision who you tell about your gender/sexual identity – it is never okay for someone else to share that information for you. When someone threatens to share your identity or orientation without your consent, it is a form of emotional abuse. This behaviour can put your safety and wellbeing at risk, especially if your workplace is not affirming or inclusive. Your partner using your identity as a weapon is a serious red flag – if you need support, please reach out.
Q: My partner and I have been together for many years. Recently, they have started wanting to experiment with some sexual activity that I don’t really want to do. If I say no, they tease me for being too vanilla, so I’ve ended up giving in. How can I stand up for myself?
A: You always have the right to say no, at any time, in any relationship. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together – consent should be enthusiastic, ongoing, and given free from pressure or guilt. It sounds like you’re describing coercion, which is a form of abuse (and has recently been criminalised in Queensland). If your partner is pressuring you to engage in sexual activities against your will, you may also be experiencing sexual violence. For support, you can contact the sexual assault helpline (even if you’re not sure if what you’ve experienced is sexual abuse). Call the Sexual Assault Helpline on 1800 010 120 (available 7.30am – 11.30pm, 7 days).
You deserve to be in a relationship where you are respected and cared for. If you’re setting boundaries that are continually ignored, please reconsider the relationship.
Q: One of my friends is in a new relationship. She and her girlfriend seem to be spending a lot of time together, and I barely see her anymore. She doesn’t respond to my messages and has started blowing off our weekly trivia night (previously a hard-and-fast tradition). My other friends have rolled their eyes and said it’s “just a lesbian thing,” but I’m concerned for my friend. What should I do?
A: People can often get wrapped up in the ‘honeymoon phase’ of a new relationship, and as a friend, it can be tricky to know if it’s a natural shift or if there is something more concerning at play. The stereotype that people in queer relationships just move faster can be harmful, especially if there are real concerns that should be addressed. You should continue trying to gently check in with your friend. She may be experiencing some form of control or abuse in her new relationship, but you should be prepared to accept that she may not want to leave or may not believe there is anything wrong. The important thing is to maintain some form of connection, so if she does need support down the track, she will know you’re still there for her.
For more information and education, we recommend exploring resources and videos from LGBTQ+ Domestic Violence Awareness Foundation. We recommend starting with the video: Ways domestic and family violence can present in LGBTQ communities.
If you are seeking a pathway to safety today, please call:
Womensline (24/7): 1800 811 811
Mensline (9am – midnight, 7 days): 1800 600 636
(Trans and non-binary people are welcome – please reach out to whichever helpline you feel most comfortable with.)
If you have experienced recent, ongoing, or historical sexual assault, please call:
Sexual Assault Helpline (7.30am – 11.30pm, 7 days): 1800 010 120
